Local Man Dies Trying To Use Chopsticks

June 10th, 2018 - Roselle man, 24, died this evening while attempting to eat Ramen noodles. After being served a pork bowl with spicy rice, the victim’s friends had viciously belittled him into abandoning his fork and knife for traditional chopsticks - witnesses reported. Unfortunately, Mr. Wenzel didn’t seem to know how to use chopsticks and proceeded to bumble around like a fucking idiot for hours on end. This tragically resulted in him dying horrifically from embarrassment.

“The last straw was when he tried, for the third time, to pick up the gyoza he was humbly offered. The dude just couldn’t do it. He dropped his chopsticks, turned pale, and keeled over. God, how embarrassing”

said Joseph J., a witness and all-around good guy.

A wake will be held this Wednesday between 11am and 3pm at Shady Parks Crematorium and Dessert, for anyone interested in giggling and his stupid body.