Corey McCarthy: Vulnerability, Starting Over and Checking Your Ego
“ I’m going to be as honest as possible so that the relationships I do have in my life are as meaningful as possible. So that I’m no longer like with you but alone. Right. That’s how you end up feeling lonely in a room full of people.”
— COREY MCCARTHY
In this conversation, we are joined by Corey McCarthy. I wanted to have a conversation with after watching the film Just Mercy. At the time, I was interested in learning more about the prison system and someone who was a part of the prison system. After setting up to record, COVID-19 swept the world in about a week. This shifted our discussion to talk around the work Corey has done to change his mindset and, in many ways, start over.
Corey McCarthy lives in Buffalo, New York with his girlfriend and three children. He is the founder and owner of McCarthy, I.E., a company that specializes in the restoration of historic churches and architectural homes. At age seven, Corey was attacked by a stranger in a public place, which altered his life significantly. One traumatic event led to the next, the result being years of addiction, visits in rehab facilities, jails, mental inpatient services, homelessness, and eventually an extended stay of seven-plus years in N.Y.S correctional system. Defying the odds, Corey has endured and overcome. He embraced a new narrative of gratitude and hope. Because of the changes he’s made, he has built a strong business with a family of employees. He has built a loving home. His life’s work is most certainly the time he spends on a daily basis doing whatever he can to help others change their narrative, anyone who feels damaged, dirty, alone, or just plain not good enough. This is where he derives true meaning and purpose.
Listen to Corey with Peter Attia here. I highly recommend this if you want to hear more of his background.
Connect with Corey:
Twitter @coreymccarthyie
Show notes:
[00:06:29] The Choice to be busy
[00:08:58] Alienating people and being in places of Fear
[00:13:06] Action Words - Mindfulness and Meditation
“When I hear mindfulness in like 2020, I'm like, I kind of get turned off cause it's, it's like that. It's a, it's like when people say all the things and stuff, I'm like, Oh, what the fuck? yeah. So like, it's good to hear that you're, it's good to hear that.
Like you're doing those things because they're like, they're action words. Right? like mindfulness is like, it's an action. It's not like a cute thing. and it's difficult. Like, it's interesting because what keeps coming to mind for me is, if you ask an average person who hasn't practiced meditation, just sit down and meditate, they're going to feel like they're going absolutely crazy, right?
Because all the thoughts are going to kind of fly through their head. And, and in some ways, I feel like that's what a lot of Americans are feeling right now, is as if they're like, they've been told to meditate and it's like, hold up, dude. Like, You know, like I have a ping pong game going on in my head right now, and you're telling me to slow down.
Because that's how we live, right? We live kind of what's next, what's next, what's next?”
[00:15:47] Exploring mindfulness and connecting to others
[00:18:29] Definites and Absolutes
[00:20:25] When you feel overwhelmed and unfocused what do you fall back on?
“So, two different levels of severity. I always come back to routine. I don't want to quote anybody off the top of my head cause I forget exactly who it was. But, it was a psychologist. I know, recently was saying that routine, like as far as sleep patterns and like brushing your teeth, simple stuff and it doesn't matter when that routine takes place, only that it takes place around the same time every day, lower your levels of anxiety, helps you sleep better and things like that. And, you know, I think especially today, and I learned this. I learned this when I was doing eight years in prison.
I learned that pretty much my entire life was out of control. And today it feels a little out of control because I don't really know what's going to happen with my employees next week or next month. You know, some of our contracts, if the market crashes, which hopefully it won't, but if it does, people aren't gonna want to give me $40,000 or $75,000 to remodel their kitchen.
Like, and I understand that so I have to figure out something new. But how do I get back some semblance of control? Which is, which kind of combats fear by still getting up at like, you know, instead of five o'clock, I'll get up at six o'clock in the morning, seeing as I don't have to go to work.
I'll still brush my teeth and I'll still journal, you know, and I'll still make coffee. And I'll still take the dogs out and get some exercise. Like, like I'll work out in the morning just as if I would before and, and you know, I'm going to screw up. Like that's kind of the part I think a lot of people, Have a hard time with is like, you know, it's like a cheat day when you, when you have a diet or whatever, but like there's going to be a day in the next couple of days where I sit down and I'm sad and I'm like, I'm just going to watch fucking Netflix all day and that's it and I'm not going to feel good about it when I'm done.
But I still have, I can still get back on the horse.”
[00:23:44] Stopping the negative spiral or starting over
[00:25:01] Most worthwhile investments outside of money?
[00:26:05] Cultivating deep relationships
The Go-Giver by Bob Burg. John David Mann
[00:28:02] How do you become vulnerable?
I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrance Real
[00:33:40] Releasing emotions
[00:35:54] Who do I want to be?
[00:38:28] Esteemable Acts and being of service
[00:41:36] Sharing knowledge for everyone
“It's the mundane things. It kind of goes back to like what you said again about like when you fall off if it's Bezos or Bill Gates or somebody that's telling you, or even like Peter Attia or somebody that's telling you something, it's like, Oh yeah, because you are this person.
Like you can do that, but not in this life. Interestingly enough, this crisis has made me realize that like, so world stage like, is alluring as I think it is for everybody to kind of be somewhat famous or especially now, you know, and like in today's day and age, is it really important?
You know, I mean, if you can reach more people with good information, awesome. Right? I mean. That's why I said books are so important to me, but, and in podcasts and things of that nature, but like being, being of service and kind and you know, present in your home and in your life is way more important than like getting on a stage.
And as a matter of fact, I think it's how you end up on the fucking stage is by like being present and important and kind. And, and. Courteous in your day to day life. Right? Like you don't get there by being a Dick, you know? Yeah. Maybe some do. Who knows?”
[00:45:30] The good and the bad of COVID-19
[00:47:07] Shared global experience
[00:48:40] The power of reflection
[00:52:26] Getting started
[00:54:44] How do you know you should try?
[00:56:54] Keeping the ego in check
[00:58:53] Gifted books or recommended books
“So one of the cool things I do, with a bunch of my friends are guys I've met in prison as I send them books and then I ask them. If they'll write like a one-page book review on it. I mean honestly, it's a really cool thing to do for a number of reasons. One, I get reminded of the book or I learn something new about the book, but also like, if you have the time to do a book report, you remember that a little bit more than you would if you'd just read it.”
Hope For the Flowers: A parable about life, revolution, hope, caterpillars & butterflies by Trina Palus
The Secret by Byron Preiss
